A Cold War Maritime Parody

Fiction / Department of Borrowed Naval Equipment

The Sinking of the S.S. Credibility: Alex Has a Friend in Intelligence

Paul Mulholland expected a peaceful voyage. Alex arrived in a borrowed Cold War submarine with expired charts, mysterious buttons and a handwritten promise to return it before Monday.

Fictional parody: The events, dialogue, intelligence officer and naval equipment in this story are entirely invented.

Captain Paul Mulholland had barely cleared the harbour aboard the S.S. Credibility when a periscope appeared beside his ship.

Initially, he assumed it belonged to a marine researcher. Then a little flag rose from the water.

The flag read TEAM AEB.

Paul lowered his binoculars.

There were many things he had hoped to leave behind on this voyage. Apparently, one of them had acquired a submarine.

A Friend With Unusually Flexible Lending Policies

The submarine surfaced with a tremendous churn of water, revealing a weathered Cold War hull and a conning tower that appeared to have been maintained primarily through optimism.

Alex climbed through the hatch wearing sunglasses, a naval cap and a headset connected to nothing Paul could identify.

“Where did you get that?” Paul shouted.

“Borrowed it from my intelligence officer friend.”

Paul waited for the explanation to become more reassuring.

“He said to bring it back with a full tank.”

The friend had also supplied a laminated instruction sheet, a biscuit tin full of spare fuses and a note reading: THE RED SWITCH IS SOMETIMES THE OTHER RED SWITCH.

Alex regarded this as classified operational guidance.

Paul regarded it as a reason to increase the distance between the vessels.

The Cold War Is Over. The Dashboard Has Not Been Informed.

Inside the submarine, every surface contained a gauge, a valve or a warning label that Alex had decided looked less important than the surrounding labels.

The navigation chart ended in 1987.

The radio occasionally received a weather bulletin, occasionally received a taxi dispatcher, and once received a man asking whether anybody had seen his ladder.

Alex logged all three as intelligence intercepts.

His friend had specifically told him that the vessel was retired and its weapons had been removed.

Alex was disappointed by the weapons. He was delighted by the word retired.

It suggested experience.

The submarine possessed a great deal of experience. Most of it was rust.

Paul Requests Some Professional Distance

From the bridge of the S.S. Credibility, Paul radioed a clear instruction.

“Alex, please stop following my ship.”

“I’m providing an escort.”

“I did not request an escort.”

“That’s what makes it proactive.”

Paul explained that he wanted to conduct his voyage independently. Alex explained that independent operations required someone nearby to independently confirm them.

Neither explanation improved the separation between the vessels.

The submarine’s periscope turned toward Paul’s bridge.

Paul closed the curtain.

Alex wrote VISIBILITY RESTRICTED BY SUBJECT in his notebook.

The Sonar Detects Something Extremely Familiar

Twenty minutes later, Alex detected a large vessel directly ahead.

He studied the sonar display with considerable intensity.

The contact was moving at Paul’s speed, on Paul’s heading, in approximately Paul’s location.

Alex called Paul immediately.

“You’re being followed.”

“Yes,” Paul replied. “By you.”

“No. There’s another ship.”

“Where?”

“Exactly where you are.”

Paul gripped the radio.

“Alex. That is my ship.”

Alex looked again at the display.

“Then they’ve copied your position.”

Operation: Dramatic Entrance

Alex decided to surface beside the S.S. Credibility and resolve matters face to face.

His intelligence officer friend had recommended maintaining generous clearance from other vessels.

Alex remembered this as a general preference.

He also remembered being told to move slowly. Unfortunately, he interpreted this as advice about the friendship.

On Paul’s bridge, the coffee cups began rattling.

A low metallic groan travelled through the hull.

Then the borrowed submarine rose beneath the ship’s stern with the terrible precision of a man confidently parking in the wrong space.

The S.S. Credibility lurched. A deck chair folded itself. Paul’s framed mission statement fell from the wall.

Over the radio came Alex’s voice.

“Small contact.”

Below deck, the ocean entered through a very large disagreement.

The Ship Begins Losing the Argument

The crew responded immediately, distributing life jackets and preparing the lifeboats.

Paul responded by asking Alex what had happened.

Alex said the situation remained fluid.

This was, for once, an accurate assessment.

Water flooded the lower compartments. The bow began to settle. A cupboard opened and released fourteen folders marked FOR FUTURE CLARIFICATION.

The future had arrived considerably wetter than anticipated.

Paul reached the rail.

“You’ve sunk my credibility!”

Alex looked up from the submarine.

“Your ship.”

“It’s called Credibility!”

“That does complicate the headline.”

A Rescue With Several Conditions Attached

Fortunately, everyone aboard reached the lifeboats. Unfortunately, the nearest available rescue vessel belonged to Alex.

Paul climbed onto the submarine with a soaked jacket, a life vest and a strong desire to meet the intelligence officer responsible for the lending arrangement.

Alex offered him a towel.

It read PROPERTY OF NAVAL MUSEUM GIFT SHOP.

Paul looked at it.

“Your friend works at a museum?”

“After intelligence.”

“What did he do in intelligence?”

Alex hesitated.

“He said he handled sensitive material.”

At that moment, the friend’s voice crackled over the radio.

“Alex, it’s Nigel. Have you still got the sub? And please tell me you haven’t used the display model for anything nautical.”

The Debriefing Becomes Uncomfortable

Paul slowly turned toward Alex.

Alex slowly turned down the radio.

Nigel continued.

“And when I said intelligence officer, I meant the quiz team. I’m the intelligence officer for the Thursday quiz team.”

For several seconds, the only sound was water dripping from Paul’s sleeves.

Behind them, the last visible section of the S.S. Credibility slipped beneath the surface.

Alex watched it disappear.

Then he opened his notebook.

“What are you writing?” Paul asked.

“Successful rescue operation.”

“You caused the rescue operation.”

Alex considered this.

“Full-service.”

The Return Policy Does Not Cover This

A harbour tug eventually collected the survivors and towed the submarine back to shore.

Nigel was waiting beside the dock with a clipboard.

He examined the bent periscope, the scraped conning tower and the section of Paul’s railing still attached to the hull.

“Did you fill the tank?”

Alex nodded.

“Which tank?”

“The inside.”

Nigel closed his eyes.

Paul walked past both men without speaking. He had decided that his next expedition would involve a bench.

Alex called after him.

“For what it’s worth, my friend also has access to a helicopter.”

Paul began walking faster.

An Internet Wellness Question

Commentary / Public Online Conduct

Is Alexander Elijah Barber Okay, and Does Paul Care?

Strange public claims, a broken research partnership, and the uncomfortable question of whether anybody close to Barber is encouraging him to step away from the internet.

Recent Reddit activity attributed to Alexander Elijah Barber has raised an uncomfortable but reasonable question: is he doing okay?

In the posts at issue, Barber reportedly described himself using language involving spies, intelligence work, investigations, surveillance and other unusually dramatic claims. Readers can examine the original material and reach their own conclusions, but the overall impression is not one of calm, careful or professional communication.

That does not prove Barber has a mental-health condition. It does not give strangers permission to diagnose him, mock him relentlessly or present speculation about his private life as fact.

People exaggerate online. People perform for an audience. People become angry, defensive or completely absorbed in internet conflicts without necessarily experiencing a medical crisis.

Nevertheless, when somebody’s public statements become increasingly erratic, grandiose or difficult to connect with verifiable reality, concern is not automatically cruelty. Sometimes the humane response is to stop treating the situation as entertainment and ask whether that person needs to step away from the screen.

Who Is Actually Checking on Barber?

The public does not know whether Barber’s family, friends or former collaborators have contacted him privately. Somebody may already have checked on him. He may have a support system that simply is not visible online.

It would therefore be irresponsible to declare that nobody cares about him or that no private conversations have happened.

But the public nature of Barber’s recent conduct still creates a fair question: has anybody who genuinely knows him encouraged him to stop posting, calm the conflict down and reconnect with ordinary life away from Reddit?

A genuine wellness check does not need to be dramatic. It does not require police, public announcements or crowds of strangers contacting somebody’s family. It may be nothing more than a trusted person saying:

“You do not seem like yourself online. Put the phone down for a while. Get some rest. Talk to somebody you trust before posting anything else.”

Where Is Paul Mulholland?

That question becomes more complicated because of Barber’s former association with Paul Mulholland.

The two were previously presented as research partners or allies. Whatever the exact nature of that relationship, Mulholland appeared to lend Barber a degree of credibility. Their public association suggested that they shared information, supported overlapping claims or considered one another useful collaborators.

More recently, however, Mulholland appears to have publicly distanced himself from Barber rather than endorsing Barber’s statements.

That may have been the responsible decision. Nobody is obligated to defend claims they do not believe, and friendship does not require publicly validating another person’s every assertion.

If Mulholland believed Barber’s conduct had become unreliable, separating his own work and reputation from it was reasonable.

But public disavowal leaves another question unanswered: did the relationship end with a statement, or did Mulholland also check on the person behind the controversy?

The public cannot know the answer. Mulholland may have contacted Barber privately. Mutual friends or relatives may already be involved. There may be circumstances that neither man wants discussed online.

It would be unfair to declare that Mulholland has done nothing simply because no private assistance is visible.

Still, the contrast is difficult to ignore. When a former collaborator is making increasingly strange public claims, protecting one’s professional reputation is only one part of the situation.

A person can reject those claims while still telling an old friend:

“I do not agree with what you are saying, and I will not attach my name to it. But I am still concerned about you.”

Concern Is Not the Same as Endorsement

Internet disputes often create a false choice: either support everything a person says or abandon that person completely.

Real friendship should allow for a third response. A friend can reject somebody’s accusations, challenge their behaviour and refuse to participate in their online conflicts while still caring about what happens to them.

Barber’s claims should not be accepted merely because he describes himself as an investigator, journalist, researcher or spy. Extraordinary claims require reliable evidence.

An online identity is not a professional credential, and confident language does not transform speculation into fact.

At the same time, Barber should not become a public punching bag simply because his statements appear bizarre. Endless ridicule can intensify an already unhealthy online conflict.

It can encourage somebody to post more, become increasingly defensive and interpret every criticism as evidence that a campaign against them is real.

The Best Next Step May Be Offline

The healthiest move for Barber may be a substantial break from Reddit and other social platforms.

That would mean no public arguments, no escalating accusations, no attempts to prove secret identities and no responding to every critic.

It would mean speaking with people who know him personally, getting proper rest, returning to ordinary routines and deciding later whether any of these internet disputes deserve further attention.

For everybody watching, restraint matters too. Do not bombard him with messages. Do not contact his family or workplace. Do not turn vague concern into a crowdsourced investigation.

When there is no credible indication of immediate danger, online spectators are poorly equipped to decide what intervention another adult requires.

Somebody who genuinely knows Barber offline is in a much better position to check on him than strangers studying Reddit screenshots.

A Sad Ending to a Partnership

Whatever happened between Barber and Mulholland, the situation is not particularly funny when stripped of its internet theatrics.

One former partner appears to be separating himself from increasingly difficult claims. The other appears to be posting material that has caused readers to question his judgment and well-being.

A partnership that once presented itself as serious research now appears to have ended in distrust, embarrassment and public distance.

Mulholland has every right to protect his credibility. But caring about somebody does not require defending their behaviour. It can mean refusing to encourage that behaviour while quietly helping the person regain some perspective.

Barber, meanwhile, does not need more online enemies. He may need a friend willing to tell him that Reddit can wait, the accusations can wait and the internet will still be there tomorrow.

Hopefully, somebody close to him has already done exactly that.

I look just like my old man who’s a BUM. This is where I got my bipolar from which has made me a stalker.

Fake Journalist with a criminal record and who was involuntarily committed to a mental hospital is working for Facial Abuse as a hit piece writer and unlicensed private investigator along with his back end friend Paul Mulholland.